It's time for me to share some personal stuff with you. I don't even know who is still reading along here, since my posts have dropped off so severely, but I'm going out on a limb here because I need your support. Whoever you are. I'm ready to celebrate, and I want to celebrate with you. I'm ready to share what's been going on in this head of mine for the past year (almost).
When mom died, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I felt like the world was after me and kept delivering blow after blow. I thought I was a good person and didn't understand why I was given the year I'd just been through. Who loses both of their parents in the same year? Not that it's never been done before, but it sure wasn't something I thought would happen to me. It sucked. Bad. I cried more than I've ever cried in my life. I didn't feel like I'd ever snap out of the constant sadness I was in. It was a terrible circle I was in. I'd get upset about something dumb that happened that day (work, kids, the dishwasher breaking, the fact that I had no clean jeans to wear because I'd been too lazy the night before to do any laundry) and I'd do nothing but cry. Then I'd get mad at myself for feeling and acting that way. So I'd cry more. I was a mess. It was no way to be an example for my kids. I knew I needed to get out of this hole I was stuck in because I didn't want to live my life this way any longer. I wanted to feel happy again SO bad, but I didn't know how. I'm sure my family wanted me to snap out of it even more than I did. (sorry guys! I love you!)
And then one day, I just decided.
Now understand that I'm not fully there yet. I have a lot of work to do yet.
But I decided I was sick of it. I was going to start by doing something that would make me feel better. I was tired of being angry and sad and lethargic and lazy and mean (yep, pretty sure I was mean to just about anyone who crossed my path).
So on May 5th I joined Weight Watchers. And it sucked. But I stuck with it. I started eating SO much better, and threw in some walks through the neighborhood. It's amazing what fresh food and fresh air will do for you. Seriously amazing.
On May 5th when I weighed myself, I weighed 9 pounds less than I did when I had my doctor's appointment two days before giving birth to Andy (which was the heaviest I've ever been in my whole life, but I had an excuse at the time). That's ridiculous! And the scale was moving, but in the wrong direction. I knew I'd bypass that prego number very soon if something didn't change. So I changed it.
I can't say what it was that made me decide that was the day. It just happened. It has been VERY slow going, and VERY hard, but I've stuck with it.
I'm proud to say that when I stepped on the scale this morning, I'd reached my second goal that I had set for myself. I had hit the magic -20 pound mark. I can't tell you how excited I was when I read that number. Of course I had to step off and back on a few times to make sure it was right. And it was. It was all of my hard work paying off.
Mother effing 20 pounds.
I still have plenty more to go, but setting and reaching these kinds of goals is a pretty good high. It sure helps with snapping out of a depression funk.
I'm also happy to say that my two sisters have joined me in using Weight Watchers to drop some extra poundage, and feel better. Another pretty good high? Talking someone else into joining you, and seeing them do well also. Us O'Brien girls freaking ROCK!!!!
Now, I'm not saying that all is perfect and that I'm all sunshine and roses, but I'm certainly better than I was on May 5th. I still miss mom every single day and sometimes break down and cry when something I see reminds me of her, or I replay the day she died in my head and how I'll never forget every single detail of what happened that day.
But... I thanked her last week when I walked out of the shoe store with my new running shoes, and then a few days later I added a few spurts of running into my walk. I thanked her for bringing me to that day right at that moment. I think of her a ton when I'm on my walks. I wonder if she's paying attention to me right at that moment and if she's proud of me for snapping out of it and trying to move on. Or maybe she's watching Wheel of Fortune (but not shouting out the answer! OH NO not shouting out the answer. Only saying "I know it!" when she gets it.) or eating popcorn shrimp with dad right then and doesn't see me doing good. And that's ok. I hope she's doing whatever she wants. I'm sure she knows what I'm doing. And I'm pretty sure she's proud. I sure am proud of myself.
So I'm going to keep going. Because I sure like this feeling better than what I felt like before.
Will you celebrate with me please? Mother effing 20 baby! And more to go!
Love to you all!!!